#Amazon Breaks the (on) Hold, with #Audible


Save us from the Music. Save us! I have avoided Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, and Miley Cyrus these 41 years. Then I’m put “On Hold: held, like a fragile flower in the hands of a child, to be loved, to be admired. To be crushed.

Paypal, Ebay, and even my doctor’s office are against me. Like the Dark Eye of Sauron against a band of hobbits, the Music Holds power over us. With whispers the likes of Bieber, Gaga, and Cyrus, it calls: “You. Will. Listen.”

The Music holds power, the hold music. It calls to me. It whispers to me, lies to me. #It.Makes.Me.Stupid. I was thinking about…about…something, but then I was held, and held, and…waffles run camouflage in underwear string cheese.

That’s me. #GettingStupid.

#Amazon, save me! Ten-gadzillion hours of hold #Audible audio, and you leave me to Bieber? A billion minutes of content, and you let me go stupid, humming “I didn’t think you would let me down that easy…”? What year is it, 1982?

One day to hear, “The following is an excerpt from the new novel by….well, by anybody not a lyricist of idiocy: ‘I had been now thirteen days on shore, and had been eleven times on board the ship, in which time I had brought away all that one pair of hands could well be supposed capable to bring; though I believe verily, had the calm weather held.’” 

Here, I’ve now waited with Robinson Crusoe on the shores of a wild country under calm weather while his ship sinks, instead of torn apart by waves of music stupid intent on making me utterly unintelligible or, perhaps, just confused enough to pay whatever fee or fine is levied against me: “What? Why did I call? I don’t remember…maybe just to give you more money. TakeMyMoney. Take.All.My.Money.” 

This: “Press 1 if you would like to continue listening to excerpts from this book. Press 2 if you would like to hear an excerpt from another book. Press three…”

Instead of this: “Baby, baby, baaaaby. Baby, Baby, Baaaaby!”

This: “If you have enjoyed this excerpt and want to purchase the book, press *9 now to have an audible representative call you back.”

Instead of this: “Don’t call me. Leave me alone. Not gonna answer my phone…”

#Amazon, you could save me: my time, my unduly levied fines, my sanity. #Amazon, it’s time to act. No more music. Put us on hold to the sound of narration.

Besides, hearing “You Can’t Always get What You Want” when on hold with you is, frankly, not the message you want to be sending.

Joel Hathaway