(from the “Not Quite NewsWorthy Reports”)
(August 31, 2009) Cape Canaveral , FL. After a week of failed attempts, NASA has presented a solution to future weather, safety, and traffic induced delays. Beginning with the next un-manned launch, NASA will attempt a regular scheduled launch. If hindrances of any kind occur, NASA will voluntarily blow up the vessel.
A NASA spokesman came out early, and anonymously, to share the exciting news. “We call it the ‘Shovel Ready Project.’ Think about it—we spend anywhere between $200 million and $1 billion taxpayer dollars getting these launches ready. And then it’s ‘wait, wait, wait.’ We have hundreds of union employees standing around making lots of money, not to mention more than a few underpaid illegal aliens—and I’m not talking about the District 9 kind. By blowing up these rockets while still on the launch pad we create immediate shovel-ready jobs.” Literally.
After far too many mechanical delays, and not a few series of unfortunate events—not to be confused with the book series by the same name—NASA believes that self-destructing their projects will draw attention away from the persistent failure of their attempts at success.
“Think about it,” this unnamed insiders challenged. “Under the current system, we build, launch, and cross our fingers for a successful mission. If all goes well—nobody notices. If something goes wrong, it all blows up in our face.” In fact, this last phrase was the impetus for the new plan. According to the insiders, voluntarily blowing up rockets will be perceived as a waste of money, with intentionality. Compared to failed banks and auto companies, this would be an improvement—the perception being that these industries are “a waste of money with NO intentionality.”
“Under the new system, we at least pretend we’re going to try a launch, but then we’ll blow it up on purpose. The news will be all over us. And we’ll have answers. We’ll know exactly what went wrong. This takes all the questions out of failure. Failure will be deliberate.” Some have argued that this last line should be NASA’s new motto, but apparently GM has already filed for trademark for the same phrase.
Other NASA options: We did it on purpose. One small step for man; one shovel-ready project for mankind. We came, we built, we blew it up.
Of course, this new proposal would only apply to unmanned flights—a caveat that NASA failed to reveal in the early phases.
“We saw a sudden drop of in applications for the astronaut positions, followed by a rash of cases involving depression and alcohol abuse by those within the system.” Fortunately, NASA was able again to tap Government Stimulus Plan money to fund an investigation into these cases
“We started with a broad statistical survey that involved a million Americans. We wanted to make sure it wasn’t the general economic condition that was at the heart of the problem. After we found a disproportionate number of these cases within our Astronaut program, we did a six-month intensive program surveying the general outlooks of our 49 current astronaut body.” The findings were unanimous: astronauts were terrified of the new proposal.
“We asked lots of questions: How many hours a day do you Wii? Where do you like to take vacation? Do you drive an American car? What do you think of Russia? If you were left on the moon alone for a month, how would you feel? In the end, we realized it was the wording of the new proposal—which we quickly changed to say “for all NON-MANNED flights.”
The survey also found that a majority of astronauts objected to the newest Star Trek film on points of historical accuracy, while some 75% feared for their continued employment.
Asked where the idea for this new proposal came from, the spokesman said, “Obamacare. We really liked the idea of an intentional Deep-Sixing of a project.”
Who will oversee the implementation of this new direction for NASA? In a breaking new report, our sources indicate that Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Ben Bernanke has asked for the privilege. Apparently, he believes this is the best way for him to oversee the distribution of Stimulus Plan funds for shovel-ready projects. Asked by Congress if he believed this was a conflict of interests, and how NASA relates to banking at all—Bernanke is reported as saying that NASA has filed for banking status, and will soon be called the National Aeronautics and Space Administration Bank, or NASAB—the Arabic patronymic. Caught off-camera, Bernanke is reported to have said, “Can anybody really argue that NASA isn’t a troubled asset?”
Summarizing the new proposal, our source exclaimed, “Consider it the Fireworks in August, or October, or December, or January, or just about any month except July. Consider that.”
Disclaimer: in case you missed it, the above satire is brought to you for your viewing pleasure.